Ok - I am back for a minute tonight. Promised myself that I would get to bed early and got caught up in a new graphics project for my Aunt.
It's been a crap week - just going to throw that out there. I haven't shared much real icky personal stuff yet - but we are having trouble with our girl. She is 16, and left home. The process she used to accomplish that with damn near killed me this year ... and tonight I am just too tired to get into it - but I will next time I log in. Suffice to say, there is alot of pain, regret and heartache. Right now I am not sure if I want to wrap my arms around her to hug or to strangle.
Today was D-day for me in terms of my test results too. It came back that I am diabetic, and it has begun to affect my liver. (but not too badly yet cause the doc said it didn't worry him - whoop-ti-do!) I can not believe I let this happen. I knew it was coming, that's why I delayed for soooo long! It changes things when you are faced with it head on. My husband is upset - already making plans to drag me kicking and screaming down the street for walks. I figure if I am kicking and screaming - isn't that exercise enough? Takes a ton of energy to throw a really good fit! (by the way ... I just had to google the word "exercise" - I can't even spell it!!)
Seriously - those of you who know me and love me enough to put up with me - I will deal with this. Just need to wrap my head around the new reality; and it sucks. So does Zumba by the way!! Gotta find my Richard Simmons videos - ugh! Side benefit to all this ... maybe I can be sexy again? I miss that alot!! lol
I was looking at a girlfriend today, whom I have loved dearly for more than 20 years (when we figured that out today I felt so damn old!) ... now she is a little hottie - not just that she is tiny with boobs that haven't dropped to her knees yet (and she is a year older than me!) - but her attitude about herself is so awesome - she inspires me just by being in her presence. People used to say that about me. When Nicky walked in the room the party got started. Not cause I was always loud and making a scene - well, maybe sometimes; but because I liked people - and I liked them best when they laughed with me or at least when I could make them smile and feel good. I guess when I stopped finding reasons to laugh; my twinkle went out. Should a person need to "find reasons" though? There was a time when it was just more natural to be that way.
My friend was twinkeling today and doing her best to help me smile. Roles have reversed now. I know that my big hurts in the past were alive and well, but it was still easy to make someone else laugh, not easy any more. I was told that I am transparent now and not so good at faking it or switching the perverbial hats. People see the hurt in my eyes, not the twinkle. That sucks too. I am grateful for my friend though. We are polar opposites with just about everything in life; but she is my kindred spirit - and she did accomplish making me smile.
I will explain more about my family past and present as this goes on I think. Just writing this much tonight has helped. I think I can sleep now - after my prayers. I am tired at least and I think I started to ramble! lol
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