Hello world! At least the few of you; my dear friends who have read what I stared here!
Yesterday I had that blasted test. Again I say - Ugh! I fell asleep in the waiting room and SNORED for nearly two hours! Woke up feeling nausious, and so tired. And a little emembarrassed! But - it is done. I am bracing for the worst, I don't want to be a diabetic - I like my food, and although I know I need to make better choices, nothing can replace the hole in my heart that will be left if I have to give up ice cream! Truly it will break my heart. LOL
Today I shopped with a new friend in the good ol` U.S. of A. I so enjoy it - not so much the grocery part, but the day as a whole. Just to be there, and seeing different things, getting ideas for more projects (sorry honey). I am trying to make myself stay focussed on the house and getting the inside things finished before I head outside. Somehow though, a new cushion for the back deck wound up in my cart. Our boy Sam (a big slobbery golden) chewed ALL my bench cushions, chair cushions, and everything else I left out on the deck. Damn dog. Stupid me. I look on the deck, and I am sad. Can`t wait to tackle it and make it lovely again.
Bathroom! Gotta stay focused - need a floor and a vanity badly! Boring - but true. Well, it`s boring compared to the deck and my gardens! That is the kind of therapy I like. Let me sit in my gardens and I will feel peaceful.
Peace has been like an elusive myth-like teaching to me. There have been moments of it when I have rested in Him - ever so briefly. I don`t know how I came to it, or what I did to chase it away. All I know, is that I need it - like air. A facebook friend posted this earlier this week: ``Peace is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ. `` I know that a lack of peace in my life speaks of my relationship with Jesus, and not too favorably. It comes back to the mind and heart thing. For such an emotional freak, the connectors are touchy at best in my intimacy with Him. I will stand and fight tooth and nail for the scriptures, for His name, for His glory - but get me in a place where I FEEL him near ... it`s missing. It makes me sad, and I know the ball is in my court.
There are many things in my past that have happened that all seem to hinge on some connection to each other - a cause and effect if you will. But it`s like trying to remember a name of a stranger you met 10 years ago on a bus - it`s more like a vague image in your memory than a real knowing. My issues are connected - so what is the root? What did I miss along the way that has so stunted my "growth"? Most of the time - this is where I stop. I sit and wonder and feel bad about it all, and get caught up in guilt? Fear? Overwhelmed by the magnitude of my life I feel so inadequate to handle. So - I eat, or shop, or run, or turtle (my word for hide). This past year - I did all of that together - at the same time. It was manic, and terrifying, and so lonely. Guilt piled up.
So - again - here is a choice. I choose not to leave it there. I want to search out the answers and heal - and feel His peace inside me and all around me. Maybe that is the ultimate goal - I hope I can do that and heal some of the relationships in my life too.
Ok - well. This weekend is busy, and I am not sure I can sit and write tomorrow night (which is when I like to do this.) Spaghetti fundraiser at the church tomorrow and I am baking like a mad woman tomorrow! Here's a tip ... never promise something huge based on other peoples past good nature! You might end up baking more pies than you thought possible! I said I could come up with 20 pies for the desert tomorrow cause I knew some Queen pie makers who love to bake! Oooops. Duh! Nicky to the rescue - and FLOP on my face! LOL I had it coming to me!
Good night world. Sweet dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment